Pregnancy Round 2 - Thoughts

Oh pregnancy. 

Starting this post out with a lot of honesty - the reason there is so much space (not that 2 years 9 months is a lot of space.., but more than the usual "we'll try again after the baby turns 1" that I hear from basically everyone) between Caidyn and Eleanor is because I was really nervous to be pregnant again. 

I didn't have a particularly rough first pregnancy. In fact, compared to most people, it was probably very tame. But it wasn't easy either. I was tired. I was uncomfortable. I didn't get to do things I love to do and it took over a year to come back (hopefully that was because of my thyroid hormone being off...). I knew I would be finishing my master's degree shortly before Caidyn turned 2. With Caidyn we were able to get pregnant on our first "try" so I was scared to start any sooner. I had started day dreaming about telling all of our friends and family at her birthday party having her open one present in front of everyone that said "baby brother or sister" on it or something. 

And the planner in me took over from that very first day dream. 

And it didn't work on the first try. Or the second try. Or the third try. And the planner in me was not good at this waiting game. It wasn't setting up with everything we had envisioned. 

And life was CRAZY! I guess losing your grandmother, starting at a new school, selling your house, purchasing a new house, and just life kind of caused us to be a little stressed. Additionally I was really wanting to time this pregnancy so maternity leave wouldn't overlap with next school year at all since I had worked so hard to complete my master's degree in time to be an administrator by next school year. But when that timing didn't work out, the mantra of 2015 that I had accepted with the house, with grandma, and with everything else finally ran through this whole "second kid" thing. I learned "what will be will be". 

And when we relaxed, it happened. The timing was terrible, career wise, but it happened. And we were overjoyed. 

I'll never forget, October 14. A Wednesday. The last day we were in our old house. The one we became a family in. I was extra emotional. And thought "maybe it happened?" and took a test. And it was negative. And I cried so much that day. And Caidyn walked in and gave me a big hug and used her amazing Caidyn awareness and said "Baby Sister coming" and I just sobbed and hugged her and she hugged right back. Those little arms were so full of love that day. 

And three days later when I still hadn't had a period I took another test. And it was positive. And I knew I had to tell Caidyn first. I woke her up and told her "Baby coming" and she just hugged me. And then we told Daddy. And we were all so excited. 

And we have been. This whole time. And we still are. Caidyn asks every day if "Ellie can come out now?" and it is so sweet. We are working on learning that her lungs are too little to breathe right now but they will be ready very soon. Such tender lessons that just make my heart melt. 

But my goodness. This pregnancy was just as hard as I thought it would be. I got to run for longer, which was much appreciated. But the stopping was sudden because of awful sciatic pain. That just got worse. And the shots. The weekly progesterone shots that make me an emotional mess on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and the first half of Thursdays. And dealing with the guilt of not being able to move as fast as Caidyn or play on the floor for as long or pick her up all the time. 

And I love these two little girls. So much. If the mantra of 2015 is "what will be will be" than the mantra of pregnancy is "worth it". And by golly it is. But goodness they make you work for it :) 

And I'm so thankful to get to experience pregnancy with both Caidyn and Eleanor. I am so blessed to be their mama. They have both taught me so much. And the joys and discomforts of pregnancy are preparing me in many different ways to be the mother they will need me to be. 

Truth be told - I'm very glad we waited until we did to start trying. I am sad we didn't get a chance to share news of another baby with my grandmother while she was still with us (she loved babies so much), but with how the rest of life has come together, how much Caidyn understands about being a big sister and all the joy and responsibility that comes with it, plus with how physically demanding pregnancy is, especially with a toddler around, we learned that what will be will be. And for us, what has become is perfect.